Women Overcome Anger of Childhood Sexual Abuse

A young woman who I will call Jessie came into pastoral counseling to talk about her anger. She felt so much of it, it was hurting many areas of her life.

Being trained to dig for the hurt when anger issues are apparent, together we unveiled where she would need healing.

She had been molested as a young girl by a family member and had not been able to trust those closest to her to help protect her. She shared how when she shared what was happening to her with a family member she was beaten and told not to speak of it. She was deeply hurt and therefore carried deep hatred for her perpetrators.

She had not spoken of it again since telling me. By keeping this torment inside without understanding how to address it, it became dangerously explosive.

She needed to share her pain with someone compassionate who could help her work through her feelings and try to forgive. The forgiveness would not help her perpetrators. Its sole purpose was to set herself free from letting that horrible childhood experience ruin the joy life could bring her in adulthood.

She was asked to write out a letter to all those to blame for her anger. Then tear the letters up and search for possibilities of those people having their own issues that caused them to act in such unimaginable ways. We talked about how if she could look at their acts as their unresolved issues from their own childhood or merely feel bad for them for living in such a dark place that maybe it would help her move on.  While trying to forgive them seemed impossible, just talking with someone who showed compassion, gave her some relief.  With continued visits, hope through her awareness of her cause for her anger began to surface.

She was then guided to a professional therapist to help with her ongoing counseling so she would have the ability to live a more joy-filled life.

While I do not know Jesse’s end story, I know many other women like her who suffered from childhood sexual abuse and/rape. After professional counseling, they are in many cases helping other people who’ve had similar experiences.  By doing so, they’ve been able to find their own joy.

If you are someone who suffers due to similar issues, please seek help. There is hope.

For other inspiring stories of how everyday people overcome their struggles, please click: Inspiring Stories of Everyday People

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis text: 741741

If you live in the Dayton, Ohio area, schedule free counseling by email: counseling@southbrook.org

To share inspiring stories or be referred to a Professional Counselor email: everythingforthesoul@gmail.com

Photo taken at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Franciso, CA

Find Your Wings and Fly Little Bird

Find your wings and fly little bird. See what for most is impossible.

Be intentional about your life.

Feel the wind in your wings.

Hear the lullabies of the crickets at night.

See what most don’t see in the details of nature right in front of you like the mysterious needles on an evergreen that keep their color all year long.

SING! Touch hundreds of other lives with your song.

Explore the heavenly earth.

Admire who you become through your adventures and recognize your strengths.  Yet work to understand other creations knowing their instincts may be different than yours.

Be wary of the lurking hawks. When your wings need rest or your vision doesn’t allow you to see the light, return to your nest. Yet don’t let fear keep you from soaring to new heights. There are new days ahead.  You are important to others in your flock.

Look at how far you’ve come from being just a little egg. See the miracles of your life so far. Keep following your instincts and the best of what your devoted parents taught you when they sacrificed their life for your care.

When you are mended, stretch your wings once more and keep flying little bird.  Find your wings and keep flying.

For podcast:

https://anchor.fm/findjoy/episodes/Find-Your-Wings-and-Fly-Little-Bird-e54ef6

“Discover a Better Life” By a Farmer’s Daughter

As I was replenishing the rabbits’ food supply the smell of hay brought me back to the days with my sisters being in that barn every day.

Growing up on a farm I learned dedication at an early age. The animals had to be fed and watered every day regardless of how of cold it was outside. In the winter my sisters and I would pile on the overalls, winter hats, gloves, boots, and make our way to the barn. If the animals’ water had turned to ice we had to break it up and provide new water. It required carrying two ten gallon buckets across the long graveled barnyard which was quite heavy for a little girl. Filled with horses, rabbits, a couple of dogs and often a new litter of kittens, rabbit poop and hay, that barn seemed impossible to keep clean. When you opened the barn doors there was always work to be done.

In order to free ourselves from the daily feedings and massive poop clean up, one Spring day my sisters and I had taken all our rabbits in the middle of the alfalfa field to run free (in our minds).  While I have fond memories growing up on a farm and am thankful for the values it taught me like hard work and dependability, I did NOT miss the chores.  After shedding many tears due to pets “going missing”, I also learned not to grow too close to the animals on the farm.

I had thought that Spring day was the last time I would ever be cleaning up after rabbits. Now years later, my daughter’s desire convinced me to agree to be part of the Bunny Brigade at the Human Society. Typically it was my daughter that handled the rabbits. I typically just went through the cleanup motions as an obligation to my daughter. Yet this morning was different.

When I started the task of removing the first bunny from its cage I could still hear my daughter’s response to my unhealthy comment the night before.

“Why do you feel I owe you for helping out animals?” She had wisely replied.

Her come-back had left me in silence and in thought. Even though it was not her fault she had another obligation, I had been irritated that it was her idea. I was once again stuck.  It wasn’t right to reschedule as they had counted on us showing up.

Over the course of the morning, smelling that hay brought back memories. After petting and holding that rabbit I started to realize my core issues.  My daughter was innocent. The truth is I had built up a blockade to not feel anything for those rabbits. I had left myself cry too hard too many times when I lost them and quit seeing them as something to love and enjoy.  By resisting vulnerability I killed my own joy.  The experience became an unwanted task because I resorted to just going through the motions.

Can you relate? Are you currently stuck and find something you used to enjoy has now turned into something you dread? Have you let yourself become bitter for feeling out of control of something in your life? Or have you even become detached to someone or something to prevent yourself from being vulnerable?

When you experience yourself feeling irritable, examine the root of it? Dig deep and ask yourself, “why do you feel that way?” Randy Creamer the lead teaching counselor at Southbrook Church then says to ask, “How are you going to find your joy if nothing changes?”

What is holding you back from experiencing joy? What is it you have control over? What can you change to become unstuck?  What are you going to do about it?

Until we dig deep about what it is that is really leaving us annoyed about our life, we will keep living each day as a daily ritual and soon our life will have passed us by. We can choose to live with a dark cloud over us or we can choose to live in the light. It is our choice.

For me, after working through the answers to those questions I began to see again. I was able to see those rabbits as God’s creations who needed care. The bitterness was replaced with delight. I also could see the positive…at least those rabbits were not in my old barn, it was not the dead of winter, and no ice needed to be broken. It was only me who needed to warm up inside.

What can you do right now to enjoy this very moment? Examine the beauty around you right now!  It is there, you just need to look for it.  Begin truly seeing again like you are experiencing whatever it is in front of you for the first time. Let your appreciation be known. Focus on the blue sky rather than the work required. It is amazing what doors will begin to open!  Doors to a more enjoyable life!

Positive Messages

Workshops and Resources

 

Barn Photograph was taken near Terre Haute, IN in 2019

Show Your Enthusiasm for Other Humans

Dog owners know the sheer joy of being greeted by their incredibly excited dog when they come home. Their shaking bodies and wagging tales leave no question they love to see their human friend.  That’s why there are so many dog lovers!

The friends who welcome you with open arms, excited voices and smiling faces are the friends we are always excited to see.  They can turn around a bad mood in an instant.

However, have you ever went up to someone you had not seen in years and were so excited to see them based on an amazing memory with them that your energy was bubbling over until they greeted you back? Once you said “Hi!” and you quickly realized they were less than enthusiastic to see YOU or didn’t even remember your name, how did that make you react? If you’ve ever experienced this you know how deflating it can be. Doesn’t it make you want to dial back your excitement next time?

However, why DO we dial back next time? Maybe it was just that person’s problem, not ours! Why do we let the fact that they don’t remember us deflate us or put up a shield? It can be so hard to concentrate on the simple fact of how we may have made that person feel super special even though we just let them make us feel like crap.

Many years ago at a work event while alongside one of my inspiring mentors, I excitedly went up to someone who I was looking forward to introducing to him. Upon saying hello, my mentor witnessed my response to how her enthusiasm was not shared. I must have shown the disappointment in my body language because my mentor later advised me to not let that stop me from greeting every other person I was excited to see with that same enthusiasm!

Yet, as much as I still tell myself to listen to my mentors’ words of wisdom, when rejection happens it is hard to not revert back to dialing back. The fear of being disappointed if the reaction is not reciprocated makes me modify the true feeling I have for the person. I sure hope I have not been that person who may have deflated someone else. For inside I was thinking:

  • “I am surprised you remember me!”
  • “I wish I could remember your name! It is just my brain isn’t working!”
  • “Oh, I called that wrong…you ARE a hugger, I am too!”
  • “Are they being real?”

Why is it we sometimes guard ourselves so much from being hurt that we forget to live? Who knows, they may have wished they could have remembered our name and feel bad for their not so great memory! When we can authentically share our love for another human being and we find they feel the same we find the most joy!  How are we to discover that if we hold back?

Be authentically excited to see other humans who you adore! Risk yourself to let others know they are special and held dear! Don’t hold back. Be excited to say “hi” to people even if they may not remember you. Remind them of your great memories with them! The more you show you admire others the more you will be remembered whether they reciprocate the enthusiasm or not! Becoming more vulnerable leads to connecting more and becoming fulfilled!

Have Courage

img_0785Off on a new adventure! It took me an hour just to find a working bike rental system. It only gave me 30 seconds to remove it from its automated lock and it was stuck. It took me three tries to unlock the rented city bike with a basket.  

After figuring out how to free the wheels, off I was down the Rabbit Trail. What a beautiful and freeing feeling to ride with the breeze flowing in my face and not being strapped down to obligations at the moment. It was quiet and the trees and flowers were coming to life from their dormancy of Winter. 

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Amongst the new green grass, budding trees and blooming flowers were colors of purple, pink, yellow and white.  The sounds of the river rapids next to the trail were calming and lightened my spirit.

As clunky as that bike was, it sure put a smile on my face to bust through the fear of being a little woman going somewhere unknown, alone and unprotected. While it may seem like a simple experience to many people, stories of kidnapping and people going missing had been close to home for me and thoughts of not being so lucky next time raced through my head.  However, if we live in fear we are not living.  While we must take precautions it is exciting to discover a new path.

Nature was awakening. The birds and sounds of Spring made me no longer feel so alone.  They replaced the noises in my head.  My gut was feeling safe so I decided to listen to the truer voice.  The voice of reason.

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Sometimes we lack the courage of trying new things for fear of the unknown. However once we do discover there is nothing to fear, that freedom renews our energy and confidence and brings a new life to us much like nature comes alive in Spring. When was the last time you were held back by unnecessary fear?  If you listen closely to your gut, you can sense the difference between moments where you need to use precaution and other moments where you need to shut off the negative voice and go for it.  Next time, have the courage to listen closely.

Lion Statue taken near Reedy River Falls in Greenville, South Carolina 2019

Surprise Yourself!

Being a soft-spoken person, there have been many times where people didn’t believe in her.

1. In elementary school, someone close said she didn’t see that shy girl going to college but she did.

2. That little girl’s best friend said she was surprised at how competitive she was in sports in Junior High given her timid nature.

3. Bullies in Junior High were surprised when she fought back.

4. Classmates were surprised at her performance in speech class.

5. Her track coach admitted he didn’t expect much of her because of her little build yet she broke a record the first time she was placed on the relay team.

6. Her guidance counselor in High School thought she could not make it in advertising and thought she should be an accountant. Yet advertising sales gave her the chance to meet amazing people, challenge herself, have fun and make money.

7. Her friends and family have said they have been amazed at what she has been able to accomplish given how little she spoke around the dinner table growing up.

8. One of her first teammates in her first sales jobs questioned the manager for hiring her on one of the first days on the job. Yet that same person has worked with her for a third time because he saw what she was truly capable of achieving.

9. While even her husband who has believed in her even when she did not believe in herself, jokes now about how he thought they would be poor. He could care less about her career success though. It isn’t him that didn’t believe in her.   It was the girl who didn’t believe in herself.  That girl is me.  It can still be me when I let self-doubt take over.

If you are a soft-spoken person you have likely felt the same way. If you haven’t surprised people yet, then what is stopping you? Even if you are not soft spoken for all of you who don’t believe in yourselves, ask why? Why can’t you do what you want to accomplish? You are capable if you have a strong desire! Have courage! Remind yourself every time you have been able to accomplish more than you or anyone else thought you could.

Make a list. Write down all the nonbelievers in your life and who you welcomed to the club of people who thought you couldn’t yet you showed them they were wrong about you! Recall all the times you even didn’t think you could but did!

Start preparing your mind through positive self-talk. Whether you are soft-spoken, little, not as … as you wish you were, think again. Instead, when anyone underestimates you, think to yourself “watch out!” Be energized by showing them what you can do!! You may be able to climb mountains! You will blow them away!  Most importantly, set out to surprise yourself and have glory in being amazed by the one person that matters most! All you need to do is believe in yourself! You’ve just been taught how!

 

Photograph taken of Half Dome Mountain at Yosemite

How to Get Someone to Listen

How many times have you caught yourself reacting to someone’s problem with giving advice and found the person quickly shut down on you? It has likely happened to all of us. Often times the more we force our fix on people the more they push away. Also the more we feel the regret in our own lives, the more we want to push someone else not to make the same mistake.

Recently while talking with a young 30 something about to have her first baby girl, I asked her how long she was going to take off work.

She replied, “I am not. I have set up a crib here at work and since it is a family business my Mom is going to come in and help watch her here.”

I wanted to reach over the table and grab her and say, “What are you thinking!! Listen to me! You need that bonding time with that little baby. You need to just hold her and do nothing else. You won’t be able to get that time back!!” It saddened me to think of her missing out on that time.

While I did refrain from reaching over the table to grab her, I did not stop my outburst. With a caring yet forceful voice I said, “from hard-working career mom to hard-working career women I urge you to take that time. You will not get it back!”

As you can imagine, it was not well received. She replied with her reasons for not being able to afford to take time off given she did not have those benefits.

“Your world is about to be rocked!” I remarked. Obviously, I let my internal regrets go too far.

Instantly her body language shut down and signaled to me my comments were unwanted. I quickly realized I had forgotten how I had perceived similar advice of people trying to get me to take twelve weeks instead of six when I had my daughters. I had reflected on how I had worked from home, packed for the newly built house we were moving into, then returned to work upon her being six weeks old. I had returned to work the Monday after the move an emotional wreck.  The stress of all of that had lead to eye twitches, exhaustion, and depression. While I did have some time to bond it had not been enough between all the packing and distractions.  All I had wanted to do was hold my baby girl. She is now 18 and about to leave for college this year. My own internal ugliness and regret was pushed onto her.

While all of that was so real to me I forgot to view how advice from a stranger likely sounded like I thought she was naive. As much as I already knew how important it is to not shove my own mistakes and experience onto someone else, I didn’t approach her as I had been trained.

Sharing wisdom can be a difficult balance. If we don’t share it we feel we aren’t helping. If we do share it before the person is ready we get a reaction from their pride saying to us that they aren’t as naive as we must think they are. We can then take offense when people do not listen to us. So what are we to do with the knowledge we have gained from our own experiences? What can we do to prevent others from hurting by making similar mistakes?

In this instance, after realizing I had reacted versus responded I apologized and asked her to please forgive me. I shared how I remember being in her shoes and hearing all kinds of advice and how it had annoyed me at the time. I went on to say I had just spoken out of my own regrets of not listening to people trying to get me to take twelve weeks instead of six. I didn’t mean to force my opinion the way I did. I explained my story of working from home and moved and how I had wished I had taken that time. When my approach was through a story of my own experience rather than an aggressive instruction, she replied, “It sounds like we do have things in common because I am trying to move into a new house too.”

Her nonverbal cues showed she understood I was speaking out of sincerity and my experience was better received. I then had to let go and know she would choose her own path.

Oftentimes we assume by us telling someone what to do that person will change their outcome. We may think there is something wrong with us that they don’t want to listen to our advice. However, in reality, they are just sitting from a different viewpoint. They may even need time to process what we have shared.

All we can really do is listen ourselves, ask thought-provoking questions, rephrase what we hear them feeling about their situation and how we understand.  We need to discover if they have already searched for answers to their own problems. Once we show we care enough to understand them, only then can we ask if they are open to suggestions. After sharing our experience we then have to let go of what they choose to do with that wisdom. We can not let ourselves get affected by the outcome given that is out of our control.

On the reverse end, when someone gives us advice, we need to remember that it is being served based on that person’s own regrets and experience. It is also typically being shared out of their sincerity and concern so remember to keep our pride in check.

Consider thanking them for their insight and say, “I hear what you are saying and will give some thought to your advice.” We may even want to consider asking them what it is about their experience that makes them feel so passionate as we could learn something from another’s life story.  Ask internally, “is their advice something I should consider?”

In either situation when we actively listen we end up being more connected to other people which gives deeper meaning to life. We also end as healthier versions of ourselves!

Photograph on way to Lake Tahoe from Reno, Nevada

Make Peace With Your Parents

Every five to ten years it seems most people go through a life examination. Typically during those times we work on a deeper understanding of ourselves and examine our childhood and where we want to go in the future.

In counseling, it is common practice to have someone share their childhood memories to help them understand their challenges of today. When you review your own upbringing you may also see areas where your parents may have influenced root pain where you struggle in adulthood. However, you are responsible for healing from that pain rather than causing a chain reaction to the next generation.

As you look back on your childhood, recall moments that instilled your currently held beliefs. Some good and some not so good.

Write down what those moments are for you. When you write them, are there open wounds that you have not repaired? Are there areas that still require healing? If so, what has prevented you from facing that pain in order to heal and live a healthier life?

If you have dealt with abuse or trauma, then please seek professional counseling. If your experience was not severe, a good practice for working on healing is to write a letter to the person you feel caused that pain. However, do not send it. Just write. Express your raw emotions on paper.

Now write down all the positive things you can remember. Are there more than you typically recall?

While I was very fortunate to have a good childhood and upbringing, there were times in my life where I longed to have my Dad be something he was not. I had wanted him to be interested in me by asking about my life. It would have been nice to hear him say “I love you” back. However, after looking harder at trying to understand him, there were many things to appreciate about him. It brought healing to me to let him know how he was valued.

The letter explained to him how it was understood he wasn’t raised in a time where men were involved in deep conversations with their kids. He also had ten of us!  The letter let him know how he taught me to work hard and it was noticed when he had to eat alone at night after a long day of working in the fields. He taught me values at a young age to be respectful, to be mindful of cussing, not quitting, and doing what was right.  Memories of him teaching me to fish and telling stories even for the 5th time are still cherished.  He is still telling those stories.

Many people live in anger and resentment and don’t realize until it is too late how hard it is to be a parent. They don’t view their parents as people who were raised in a different time and could be fighting their own battles. They don’t get time to share what they do appreciate about their parents and then live in regret for unspoken words.

Why choose to live as a victim when you can be the person who initiates the healing yourself? For me writing that appreciation letter brought healing for me and my Dad too. Ironically receiving that letter inspired him to say he loved me back when it had originally been so hard for him to do. Maybe the same peace could happen for you!

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese

Photograph taken at the Peace Center in Greenville, South Carolina