Can you think of times when someone used force, guilt or fear to get you to do something? How did it make you feel?
For example, as common as someone saying:
“If you can’t do this, then you must not want to be the best and accept mediocrity.”
“I have done so much for you, you mean you can’t even do this for me? Guess I don’t mean enough to you.”
Have you been the person who has tried to force your power over another person by saying things like:
“If you don’t I will…”
“Do …because I said so.”
To help you identify controlling behaviors, Andrea Bonier Ph.D. has as a blog in Psychology Today where she states: “Controlling people often know how to fly under the radar and how to make themselves look good. They can be skilled in manipulating the people they are dating into thinking that their friends and family must be wrong or jealous or overprotective. Controlling people may try to leave trails of “evidence” that they are good partners, and fool you into thinking that they only have your best interests at heart. And they can be adept at making you doubt and second-guess your instincts when your alarm bells do finally go off.”
Here are the 20 signs from Dr. Bonier that indicate your Partner is Controlling:
1) Isolating you from friends and family.
2) Chronic criticism—even if it’s ‘small’ things.
3) Veiled or overt threats, against you or them.
4) Making acceptance/caring/attraction conditional.
5) An overactive scorecard.
6) Using guilt as a tool.
7) Creating a debt you’re beholden to.
8) Spying, snooping or requiring constant disclosure.
9) Overactive jealousy, accusations, or paranoia.
10) Not respecting your need for time alone.
11) Making you “earn” trust or other good treatment.
12) Presuming you guilty until proven innocent.
13) Getting you so tired of arguing that you’ll relent.
14) Making you feel belittled for long-held beliefs.
15) Making you feel you don’t “measure up” or are unworthy of them.
16) Teasing or ridicule that has an uncomfortable undercurrent
17) Sexual interactions that feel upsetting afterward.
18) Inability or unwillingness to ever hear your point of view.
19) Pressuring you toward unhealthy behaviors, like substance abuse.
20) Thwarting your professional or educational goals by making you doubt yourself.