Author: Melanie Simon

At 24, I survived a threat at gun point and tell my story in my blog titled “Freedom from Controlling Behaviors.” I am now a Mom of teenagers, career woman, wife and Pastoral Counselor who has moved from a drive for success to significance. After learning from spiritual leaders on how to counsel and being taught practices everyone can put in place to overcome common struggles, it has been rewarding to inspire other women to find fulfillment by sharing my own struggles and lessons learned. All photos within the blog were taken by my oldest daughter or me. Cover photograph of site courtesy of Olivia Simon. Author Email: everythingforthesoul@gmail.com

Coping with Technology Rage

by Melanie Simon, posted in Personal Development, Self Mastery

What is it about operating new or slow software that can leave us so frazzled?!  As I started with a whole new set of processes and organization system and new computer hardware and software, new calendar syncing and internet access issues I ended my day yesterday with tightened muscles and a short fuse. I had a long list of things I wanted to complete and my computer was not cooperating.  I felt irritated, helpless, annoyed, technology handicapped and frustrated for not getting everything accomplished on the timetable I had in mind.

Wait! I have been there before! As I reflect back on my first days of every new job, I can recall tensing up over technology every time! Every memory, in the beginning, includes me losing patience with not learning the technology as fast as I would like. Blaming it for not allowing me to be as speedy and productive as I had in mind for the time I allotted. The more tension I built up each time, the worse I struggled to figure it out.

What is this all about? No matter how much faster the software is today compared to 30 years ago or how much faster the speed of the internet is compared to dial-up, I still get worked up that it isn’t fast enough. What an aha moment! It isn’t the technology that has the problem. It is me!  Can you identify with me?

I am typically someone who forgets to come up for air. I start down my to-do list like a blazing train that doesn’t have any brakes and then suddenly combust because the engine wants to shut down. I drive myself harder and harder to a point of wanting to beat it up for not doing what I want it to do. I need help.  Does this sound like you too?

If you have found yourself in similar situations go through some self-coaching questions (Based on InsideOut Coaching and counseling lessons):

-What issue do you want to work through?

-What is your SMART Goal:

(Specific, Measurable, Aligned, Realistic, Time Phase)

– What are the consequences if you don’t take action?

Reality

– What’s been happening?

-What have you tried before?

-What were the results?

-What are your roadblocks?

-Is your goal attainable?

Options

-If a friend were experiencing this, what would you advise?

Next Steps

– How can you put a plan in place to ensure you don’t end up here again?

As an example of how to answer these main questions, my goal is to not allow myself to get all worked up and tense and destroy my own peace and productivity due to things out of my control. I want to keep my joy. If I don’t do something about this I could damage my relationships and work productivity.

In my reality, I have kept doing the same thing and tried harder and harder without taking a step back. I stop breathing and allowed tension to grow. By the time I call support, I have already lost my patience and start my deep breathing after someone else is involved.

To answer the question on whether or not my goal is attainable, I do see it is realistic given technology support people can maintain calmness and they deal with technology frustrations all day long.

If I were coaching a friend or family member through this problem I would say:

– Ask yourself, do you have time to take a break from this? Hit the pause button and do any of the following:

-Some deep relaxing breaths.

-Go to lunch away from your desk

-Take a quick walk

-Switch to a different task

All the above can give you time to refresh your mind and relax your muscles.

Like you would a friend, tell yourself:

-Stop pushing yourself so hard.

-Schedule in time for breaks throughout the day so you don’t burn out.

-Lighten your daily to-do list.

-It is okay to call for help before losing your patience.

-Stop your negative thinking by pausing to look at the big picture and read some positive messages to give yourself a better attitude to relieve some tension.

-Learn to laugh at yourself and the situation.

For so many of us, technology is hard to understand and therefore it puts us over the edge because we can’t control how it malfunctions. We also can’t try to influence our devices. All we can do is look at how we handle ourselves and manage our reactions as well as the habits that lead up to our tensions and explosions.

Go through the series of questions above when you find yourself facing a roadblock. This exercise can help you see solutions you weren’t originally able to see.

For me, this series of questions made me approach my next day differently.  By scheduling in breaks for breathers and stretching and making my daily to-do lists more realistic, I ended up accomplishing much more. It also helped to take time for lunch away from my desk. Everything went smoother!

When you hit a problem that starts to frustrate you, divert your attention to something easier that reduces tension for a short time. Then revert back to calling for help with the problem after you have tried again with a more relaxed mental state and where your muscles aren’t all tight.

We can choose to allow technology to help us become more efficient or let it take control of our lives. It is up to us to choose how we respond.

If you have other helpful tips to not letting technology take away your peace, please share.

 

Create an Exercise Streak

by Melanie Simon, posted in Self Mastery

“You Need To Create Your Energy!” Rachel Hollis

“I need to start exercising.”  How many times have you said that to yourself?  For me, even though I did my daily yoga stretches in the dark on my bedroom floor in the morning while waking up, I had a hard time getting motivated for cardio.  Walking the dog when the weather is nice is also easy.  However, in the winter when that alarm goes off and you are all snug in your bed the self-talk you gave yourself that night before does not seem to talk as loud as the voice in the cold winter morning that says, “I am comfy and warm and don’t want to get up.  Hit snooze and fit it in later.”  That becomes the never-ending cycle.

Then you have a wake-up call.  You hear of a friend at 45 that had a heart attack.  Or suddenly you have put on extra pounds that make you have to buy a new wardrobe, or you find yourself in physical therapy after hurting yourself given you were not so physically fit.

If you are one of those people like me, I highly recommend finding an accountability group.  A friend of mine started a private Facebook group called “Streakers” and each day you do at least 20 minutes of exercise and post it to the private group page.  That small change in accountability makes a huge difference.  You also realize how you can make time to get in at least 20 minutes to work on that heart rate.  Also, I would highly recommend listening to a podcast at the same time as it makes the exercise go by quickly and you end up feeling proud of yourself and learn something at the same time.

You also realize that when you are being held accountable, no matter what roadblocks you have like traveling or family demands on you, you make getting it in a priority rather than developing excuses.  I’ve had days where my attitude needed an adjustment and I felt unmotivated for anything.  Still, because I didn’t want to be that person who quit, I got in my 20 minutes.  It cured any depression and totally turned around my attitude.  When you stop letting yourself down, it becomes a confidence booster too.

Some of you may be thinking, only 20 minutes?  Is that enough?  This article is not for those who are training for marathons, taking two cycling classes a day or just love to workout.  We all admire our friends who get up at 5AM or 5:30AM and have strong workout regimens.  Don’t compare yourself to those friends and let yourself feel bad for not measuring up.  Let them be your inspiration for the purpose of the exercise.  You may notice they always seem to have great energy and enthusiasm for life and seem filled with joy every time you see them.   This article is for those who may be suffering from winter depression, love the outdoor activities in the summer and hibernate in the winter.  Sometimes we need to take baby steps towards our goals.  Once you get in the 20 minutes and feel how it is easy to get that in and start feeling better about yourself, then you can progress and set higher goals from there.

Find some friends and go streaking!

Special note: Please see your Doctor before starting an exercise program.

 

Photograph taken Downtown Cincinnati, Ohio

Find Freedom from Controlling Behaviors

by Melanie Simon, posted in Self Mastery

It was August of 1997.  I was 24 years old, extremely motivated, and trying to make a living in sales. A business client had called for an appointment and gave me an address regarding where to meet. When I arrived, I said to myself, “This can’t be right.” The address is a house. I called the number again.  The client verified that was the meeting place. According to my notes, there were supposed to be multiple people in this meeting. Again, I said to myself, “Why aren’t there any cars? This doesn’t feel right.”  Convincing myself that I needed the business, I went to the door anyway.

I knocked on the door and the client answered.  I felt somewhat relieved that he answered the door.  I knew him. He had gotten married recently and was very happy when I worked with him a year ago. We had made small talk waiting on the other people to arrive.  He recognized my discomfort due to his shaven head and twitching face. He shared he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and it was very serious.

As time started to lapse, I looked at the clock.  My fiance was going to start wondering where I was.  I had grown even more uncomfortable as time passed.  I wondered how much longer it would take for the others to arrive.  After declining his offer for a glass of water, he asked if I wanted to see the blueprints for the business. Again, I ignored my instincts.  I entered the room to look at the architect table. There was nothing on the table. When I turned to look at the client, he was holding a revolver.

Rather than listening to myself, I ignored my inner voice. As he said “I am not going to kill you or rape you” I turned my head to see the revolver pointed at me. Instantly, I went into hysterics. He closed the door and moved me towards the back of the room.

“Take your clothes off.” He said.

I immediately envisioned myself taking off my clothes and that not being enough for him. I saw images of him asking me to do things I did not want to do and him eventually taking my life. I saw my dead naked body lying on the floor, and my loved ones finding out I was found lifeless and without my clothes in some strange house. I felt if he wanted all that he would have to take my clothes off after I was no longer alive. I said to myself, “My life is not ending this way. I have so many more dreams to fulfill.”

Somehow, I found the power within and decided to reason and plead with him. “Why are you doing this? What about your wife? I am not going to… You can kill me first.”

He replied, “I will cripple you.”

I said, “I don’t care if you kill me or cripple me.”

As he started to explain himself, “It is just that this tumor…” Right then, his twitches in his face and clicks of his head that I had witnessed earlier came back. I continued to plea and refuse to give in to his demands. I noticed that I was emotionally getting to him.

Suddenly, he turned the gun on himself.  While frightened he would take his own life in front of me, I saw my window of opportunity to escape.  Quickly, I went towards him as he backed himself up towards the door.  I grabbed the doorknob with my left hand and was able to wedge it open enough to get my leg in through the opening. Meanwhile, I pushed my right hand towards his face in an attempt to move the gun away from his own mouth. Somehow I was able to get out, grab my bag and keys and run out the door to my car while my whole body was shaking. He did not follow me.  I began driving and frantically called 911. They directed me towards a local fire department for safety. I repeated the story multiple times of how I ended up in that house.

In the end, after police had surrounded his house and tried to get him to come out for hours, he ended his own life that night.

I had made multiple very risky decisions that day.  I was thankful to be alive. I questioned myself. I worried about what people would think.  I thought, “Why was I so gullible? Why did he pick me?  Was there something I did that made me seem vulnerable?” I could never even face his wife to see how she handled all of it. I felt sad for her and envisioned him being sorry for what he had done to me. Truth is, I will never really know why or fully understand. Why would anyone choose to sabotage someone else’s life?

Often times, people attempt to control others when they feel powerless in their own lives.  The more we feel we have lost control, the more we want to try and control others.

After talking to my sister-in-law who is well versed in mental health, she helped me understand it was not my fault.  Being able to talk with someone helped me be able to focus on what could come from the experience. She helped me understand that some brain tumors cause irrational behavior. It was not about me. I was proud of how I had been brave enough to escape. I also learned that I need to listen to my gut instincts.

When sharing my story, some questioned why I didn’t just do what he said. You may even be questioning some of the same things and wonder why I am sharing this story.

While I was not a victim of rape, I felt the extreme case of having someone try to control me by force at a relatively young age.  I felt the side effects. My purpose is not to gain pity here. My purpose is to increase awareness and help you prevent being controlled. To teach you how to stop your own ineffective habits of controlling behaviors.    There are some lessons to be learned from this story, and others I have experienced in my life as both the victim and the controller.

Through professional help and research, I have learned how to identify signs of controlling behavior,  the reasons behind it, how to overcome situations of being controlled and recognize when I am the person doing the controlling.

Identify Situations of Controlling Behavior

Understanding Control and Abuse

How to Escape Controlling Behavior

Help for The Controller

What do you do when someone doesn’t do what you want? What style do you use with your children? Your spouse? Your employees? If you notice you are controlling as defined above, seek counseling if necessary. Uncover why you feel you need to have power over people.

If you are a manager that struggles with not being able to get their employees to do what is needed, don’t fall back on using forceful, threatening or demeaning remarks. It has negative effects on the person’s morale and kills the person’s desire to want to work for you.  While it is important to hold people accountable, it is ineffective in the long run to add demeaning comments that take a strike at the person’s worth. Rather than saying “you are lazy” a more constructive way of motivating someone would be to say, “You are not showing your full potential.  You are capable of so much more.”

For those in leadership, are you keeping an eye on how your managers treat those working for you?  What about how they treat your business partner representatives?  How they treat people is a reflection of your company’s image and could be costly to your business in turnover, your reputation with customers and maybe even lawsuits.  Be sure to have your employees do anonymous surveys.  Have someone secret shop, play vendor or play undercover boss for the day if you suspect anyone who could threaten your company’s values.

Whether you are the controller or being controlled, help is available.  You are worthy of so much more.  No one deserves to be treated as beneath another person.  You deserve to be treated with respect.  Be sure to look yourself in the mirror and reassure yourself of all your incredible traits.  Make a list of all your great qualities to reframe your mind and maintain your boundaries.  You have the right to have your own value system and maintain your self-worth.  Be brave enough to address the problem.  If safety is a concern, find support. Find freedom from this controlling behavior.

Other resources:

For more help with a controlling partner, I recommend Dr. Bonier’s blog: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/how-successfully-handle-aggressive-and-controlling-people

For more help handling Aggressive and Controlling people see Preston’s blog: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/how-successfully-handle-aggressive-and-controlling-people:

Southbrook counseling – https://southbrook.org/ministries/

Boundaries By Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Www.ndvh.org

If you are a victim of Sexual Violence or Trauma, please seek your local counseling services.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert in the best way to handle yourself in a sexual assault situation or when someone is threatening your life.  Please see http://www.rainn.org or NSVRC. or http://www.cdc.gov

National Domestic Violence Hotline and Avon Partner with Suze Orman to Shed Light on Financial Abuse in Special Video Series “Women Breaking Free: Stories of Strength from Survivors of Domestic Violence”

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis text: 741741

If you live in the Dayton, Ohio area, schedule free counseling by email: counseling@southbrook.org

To share inspiring stories or be referred to a Professional Counselor email: everythingforthesoul@gmail.com

 

Create Something #FindJoy

by Melanie Simon, posted in Self Mastery

It is amazing how alive you feel when you do something new or create something. Especially when it is close to your passion. Whether it is painting, crafting, wood burning, wood carving, poetry, songwriting, making a terrarium, renovating or making furniture or using a pottery wheel it doesn’t have to be perfect. Let yourself feel the joy of the activity and your feeling of being immersed. What have you always wanted to create? There are unlimited options to be found on YouTube, at an art center or a workshop event near you. Start now and help fulfill your soul!

The joy is in the creation.

List ideas of what you have always wanted to create in the comments section.

Also see Gifts of Sunshine.

 

Identify What Stops You

by Melanie Simon, posted in Self Mastery

It was the Fall of my Senior year of high school when I heard someone tell me a friend of mine’s parent had described me as “backward.”  BACKWARD?! I had felt the rage inside of me develop out of the piercing aching feeling that deflated me and question how I saw myself.  I quickly became defensive and said, “How could she say I was backward?!  I would say quiet but NOT BACKWARD.”  That sounded to me like awkward and that was NOT how I wanted to be defined.

Now as I type this, it sounds so ridiculous.  Why did I let one word spoken by someone who barely knew me to be my blockade and resurface as my inner critical voice for so long? Had I been strong enough in myself to not believe it, I would have brushed it off and explained it as their problem, not mine.  So it didn’t start there.  It started earlier in Junior High.

Junior High was a time in my life where our class size quadrupled. Also, it seems everyone spoke bad about other people and I was over-concerned with being judged. It took a lot to feel safe with someone in order to share my thoughts. Due to my silence in groups, I became labeled “quiet” in a way that seemed like a bad thing.

Recently while reading “Shining Freely” by Josie Muterspaw,  I realized  I need to “let go” of these labels that have been stuck in my head.

She says:

“The truth is, what you don’t let go of won’t let go of you.”

“We kill our joy, our destiny, our freedom, and our passion when we chew on the things we were meant to let go of.”

“Our emotional experience can be clouded by past hurts and then the fear guides our perspective instead of truth. ”

She talks about how decades can go by where we are stuck in those old hurts.

I recognize how I have been running away from that person in high school and have been overly driven to prove all those people wrong about me.

I went off to a college where no one knew me so I could start over. Throughout my journey for redefining who I was, I held onto the security of family members who saw something in me as a child. Teachers who saw I was smarter then I thought.  Professors who taught me listening was a strength that could be used for sales to make money.  Leaders who shared their struggles of timidness and inspired me to see the person who I could become.  I had a mentor who coached me out of my comfort zone and helped me discover how I could be brave and a high performer in sales and management.  They all helped get me to believe in myself and enabled me to accomplish what I sought to accomplish.

While that ambition and inner motivation have helped me overcome a majority of the insecurities, I let the list of accomplishments take over and be my source of where I found value in myself.  Rather than confronting the source of the pain, I have used it as a driver. Yet while running from who I was, I lost sight of the beauty within my own unique purpose.

Over the past couple of years, I started to hear things that moved something in me.    I wanted others fighting the same battle NOT to feel the same self abuse.

It wasn’t until I started my spiritual journey at Southbrook Church and got certified in Pastoral Counseling where I gained a deeper understanding of myself and how many successful others struggled with negative self-talk and feelings of inadequacy.  I have become more aware of the roots behind the self-talk along with the practices needed to be a healthier more joyful version of myself. I started to listen to the “significant events” that started occurring in my life journey.  Those were things that stir emotion inside you.

What I have learned has developed a spiritual awakening within me that has made my inner voice want to shout out to the world everything bottling up inside me or held secret to those closest to me and use it as a way to make a difference in the world.  My battle to do that first starts with facing that inner demon.  For when I change the words of the inner voice from:

“I am not enough.” to “I am worthy.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.” to “My opinion is worth hearing.”

“People are going to think my ideas are weird.” to “I do have a unique perspective to offer that is good.”

I then speak in a way that shows I believe in myself and then I do feel I am heard. I don’t feel awkward at all unless I start listening to negative self-talk, become self-conscious and clam up.  With positive affirmation practice, I have recently overcome one major milestone.

While I have more work to do to be more consistent, I have a strong desire to use my story of perseverance and overcoming feelings of unworthiness to give hope to those who don’t believe in themselves.   I am so thankful for the people in my life who have inspired me.  I also need to forgive the people who did not realize their painful words would have such an impact on me.

My vision is to utilize the lessons I have learned and multiply positive impacts on others.  To let go and tell those inner ugly words, “Get out of my way.”

What is it that stops you?

Two experienced counselors, Jeffrey Stokoe and Denise Ashworth, have helped people by getting people to listen to those negative voices.  They recommend to write down what they are saying.  Recognize the common themes. Then think back to the earliest memories and identify what it is that ignited them.  Then start asking yourself, is that really true? Think of all the times where it wasn’t true.  You will start seeing the light and realize the lies you tell yourself.  Those lies that stop you from your true potential.

Resources:  If you struggle with self-esteem and inner critics, please look for the True Profile.

Also see upcoming retreats at www.shinehealing.org  and The Growth Institute Courses

Book: “Shining Freely” by Josie Muterspaw

Photograph Taken Near Lakes of Killarney Ireland

Teen Parenting Strength

by Melanie Simon, posted in Parenting

I am not sure anything can prepare you for your kids becoming teenagers and not acting like they need you anymore. Such a painful time as a Mom. I am sure it is hard for Dad’s too. Here’s an area where I definitely don’t have all the answers and could certainly use support.

I witnessed my sisters go through it as my nieces struggled to find themselves in their teenage years as well. Now I see they are back and have grown to be mature loving amazing young women. That gives me hope my girls will make me feel I am nice to be around again someday.

Now I find myself grasping on to those moments where my teenage daughters open up even if it is 1am. In all the attempts to talk during normal hours when I am wide awake, not sure why my teenage daughters decide they finally want to open up when I seem most exhausted? Regardless, I struggle to stay awake just to listen because who knows when the next time will be where she decides to let me into her world.

Then too many times after a night of listening that person who you devoted your full attention to seems to forget all of it the next day and wonders why you even bother to try and give her a hug good morning.

How is it you can love someone so deeply and yet have moments where you can dislike them for their selfish thinking and how they can turn on you so quickly? Then in a moment they return so sweet and you wonder what they want.

It is these years where I would like to be tougher. Where I wish my joy wasn’t so dependent on needing to feel needed other than for money. Or even feel like I matter to them.

Thankfully there are those moments where times get tough they come to you for an ear because they know you will be there for them. Those times when they say “I love you too.” You say to yourself “whew I am doing okay. I haven’t totally screwed this parenting thing up.”

As hard as it is some days. I know I am lucky. I have heard stories from other parents that have made me cry. Stories of parents losing their kids to drug addictions, to mental illnesses, suicide, and numerous other painful stories.

With social media and the pressures kids are under we parents are all searching for help. Searching for techniques to communicate with our kids. To know if you are doing a good job or not. What is the right way? When should I be a friend? When should I lay down hard punishments? When should I set their curfew? What is reasonable? Am I being too protective or too easy?

We have to remind ourselves, no one is perfect. No matter how much you hear about “my kid got a full scholarship” or “my kid did…” no kid is perfect either. They could be suffering from internal pressure and looking for ways to escape it.

All I know is what doesn’t work. When I try to control, I get no where. All we can do is listen, empathize, influence and lead by example.

No matter how much I want to protect, they need to make some mistakes and learn how to persevere. Otherwise they will struggle as an adult. They will let themselves be controlled as a spouse or collapse at difficult times in their life versus rely on their strength to see things thru.

One of my favorite parental advice books is The Highly Heathy Child by Walt Larimore, M.D. It helped me realize at an early time in parenting that kids want to be heard just like anyone. When you give them your full attention and listen for how they feel and show them you want to understand then they are more willing to ask for help and be open to your suggestions. If you give advice too quick they can’t think for themselves or feel you think they can’t handle it on their own which hurts their trust in themselves.

Also if how we label or critic them matters so I try to keep in mind the quote, “What you expect is what you get.”

Some good notes I have taken from Randy Creamer the lead counselor at Southbrook Church to influence rather than control is and reinforce positive expectations are by saying:

I believe in you

I trust you

I know how responsible you are

I know you take care of your things

Your stronger than you think you are

You are capable

I have learned when I say things like it sounds like you were really hurt by … it gets them to open up and feel safe to share what they are thinking “more”.

When mistakes are made it works well to hold them accountable and then finish with ..”I love you no matter what.” That unconditional love seems to always bring them back.

May this post help you and know that you are not alone.

Please check out the resources and links for further help. Or if you have any helpful tips I am sure everyone would like you to share in the comments.

If your child is severely withdrawn and or struggles with the stress of trying to be perfect and their is concern with depression or suicide please seek help.

Hear from a parent who lost her son to suicide and what steps you can take for prevention.

Resources for suicidal teens.

For the Driven Soul

by Melanie Simon, posted in Parenting

If you are driven, you have dedicated yourself to your tasks lists and may have disciplined yourself to put off enjoying life’s pleasures for later.  Whether you are in your late 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50s or 60’s have you found yourself reaching a milestone in your goals and looking back and asking yourself, “now what?”

If you are approaching your late 20’s you may have made it through college and have found yourself chasing your financial, material and career goals.   You have likely shown you are capable of having a successful career and have found yourself doing everything you can to learn what you need to get ahead and work furiously to be recognized as one of the best in your roles.  Even though you are still young, you may find yourself exhausted after work.  You begin to live for the weekend or your days off.  Then you approach 30 and say, wait what happened to my 20’s.  I was supposed to have fun!

In your 30’s you may have chosen to have children and now have even less time for yourself.  You and your spouse start drifting apart because you have a high demanding career and your kids are needing you too.  You are still concerned about your finances so you put off many dates given the cost of the babysitter plus dinner and entertainment or pure exhaustion from your never-ending to-do list.  You start wishing for ways to escape your busyness but are afraid to take a break for yourself for too long because that just means more you have to do later.

If you haven’t learned to balance yet, you are then in your 40’s and your kids are growing older.  You have devoted your life to being a good parent and continuing your career growth.  If you haven’t put the necessary time into your marriage, you may also find you have distanced from your life partner and your kids now want to do things with their friends.  You are now financially better off, have your house the way you want it and if you have done a good job saving, you have plans for your kids’ college educations and your retirement nest egg.  Although according to your financial planner, it may still not be enough.

You find yourself feeling like you have been running and chasing after your goals for twenty plus years and realize you have more than 20 more to go before you can retire.  You also are starting to feel less fulfilled by your work.  The income is now a necessity based on the lifestyle you have created for your family.  However, more money is less important and your accomplishments may become less gratifying.  You would still love to have time for your hobby you said you would do later.  You find yourself wanting a purpose and thinking about your legacy.

No matter what milestone you reach, those possessions do not keep you happy.  You may even find yourself feeling bitter at those who are able to let go of all their worries and just be. You may ask yourself, “why don’t you feel that joy inside you that you see in those who don’t have near as much as you?”

You started going through the motions of trying to get everything done.   You forgot to enjoy the journey.  You focused more on the to-do list than being grateful for everything you already had.  Guess what, you will never be able to get everything done.  Your life is about the people in it.

Wow!  All of this seems very sad for someone who works so hard, doesn’t it?  It is if you let your drive take over your life. I am not saying your drive is a bad thing, as it is not.  I am still proud of mine and have accomplished many things that have been positive for myself and others.  I am just pleading for you to listen to your soul.  Don’t blow off that inner voice or those wise around you telling you to enjoy the journey and let the to-do list go.  You may be asking, “but how?”

Here are some answers.  Pause and reflect and ask yourself these questions:

-If you find your work exhausting, take time to reexamine what it is that really fulfills you.

-What is it that makes you feel complete and energetic?

-Is the high income worth rushing through your life?

-Are you making time for family and friends over your tasks list?

-Is it that big of a deal if not all the housework is done?  Do you need to do everyone else’s laundry?

-Are you in a job where you are enjoying the people in your life at work?

-Are you going through the motions because your job has become a chore?

You have choices.

Are you going to choose to make them in your 20’s so you can enjoy the beauty of life while you are in your prime health to get active?  In your 30’s, are you going to embrace your kids and show your spouse how much you appreciate them for bringing joy and balance to your life?  Don’t wait until your halftime.  Even worse, don’t wait until retirement.  You may not get a later.

Here are some tips I have learned and found helpful when practiced:

-Check yourself for your ability to set boundaries and your abilities to say no.  Next time someone asks for your help, and you are strapped say, “I would love to help you however, I have other demands at the moment.”

-Write down the things you feel you need to do.  What can you cross off? What can wait until after you do what fulfills you?  If you have a hard time crossing things off the list, remind yourself you are no good to anyone if you become empty.

-Check your OCD qualities and then ask yourself  “what is the worst thing that can happen if I let that go?”  Is it a big deal if my spouse/roommate’s coat lays on the coach until he/she leaves tomorrow.  Remind yourself you can’t control your spouse/roommate so all you can do is control how you view the annoyance.  Stop yourself from doing it for them and taking on the martyr role.  Learn to say, “I feel unimportant when you leave your coat on the couch given you know how I prefer things neat.  Could you please help me keep the place nice?”  You will be surprised when your spouse/roommate hears how things make you feel.  (See Randy Creamers, Conflict Guide for Couples.) https://timetoheal.solutions/resources/

-Know it is okay to ask for help if you are truly taking on more than your fair share.  Learn to delegate.  When you teach other people, you multiply what you can accomplish.

-Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and view yourself.  What are the things I do that I wouldn’t want my spouse/friend or children to do to me?  If he/she was always busy wouldn’t I wish he/she could make time for me?

My husband and girls would agree with me that I still struggle with letting myself take a break and being present along the way.  However since I have reached 45 (aka halftime), I recognize more that I can’t take the years back.   I have been working on making sure the goals I set and what I do with my time give me purpose and joy.  I stay true to my soul to how I approach my career so I can feel fulfilled and feel I am making a difference.  Also, it is the first year for me where I have plans for using all of my vacation days.

Book your vacation days. However, don’t wait until then to enjoy yourself. Stop and enjoy the beauty around you.

Other helpful tips can be found here: Shine Bright

Leadership for the Soul

by Melanie Simon, posted in Career, Leadership, Personal Development, Self Mastery

 

Mindtools.com says “Leadership can be hard to define and it means different things to different people. In the transformational leadership model, leaders set direction and help themselves and others to do the right thing to move forward. To do this they create an inspiring vision, and then motivate and inspire others to reach that vision.”

How is that done?

You may have heard the quote, “no one cares about how much you know unless they know how much you care.”  Can you be defined as a leader if you don’t ever get followers?  It seems the best leaders show how much they care about their mission.  Then the ones who show they care about their people get the most people on board.

Think of the best leaders in ancient wars.  Those who you see in the movies that are charging ahead of their troops to fight a battle.  The ones who get out in front.  They are in the trenches with their people.  When you see that in a movie, doesn’t it ignite your passion internally to want to see their side win?

Besides leading the way, how else do those leaders get people on board?  We see characteristics as being comfortable in their own skin, confident in who they are, strong in their decision making, have integrity and base decisions on the betterment of all their people.  They make their team feel valued that someone else is willing to fight on their behalf.  It makes them all want to win together.

What kind of leader are you?  How do you show you care about your people? When your people are trying to voice what they are experiencing in the trenches, do you shut them down?  If so, instead:

  • Work to listen and understand if it is a legitimate concern.
  • Rephrase what you are hearing them feel.
  • Ask what have you tried?
  • What were the results?
  • Ask what are your recommended options?
  • Ask how do you want to be part of the solution?
  • Do you know any others that are feeling the same way and would you want to help come up with ideas to fix it?

This approach will help your people feel heard and opinions valued.  Also, it weeds out the negative thinkers.  Those who want to complain but not help fix the problem.

When you make them feel heard rather than force top-down thinking and respond in ways where they feel they can’t trust being honest, you risk not getting valuable information for an effective strategy.  Also if you don’t understand them and what they are going through, how are you going to provide the adequate tools for them to handle the battle.  Shutting them down before understanding them says to them, “your opinions don’t matter”.  “Your views are not valued enough.”

If you feel they don’t understand the big picture from their feedback, it also tells you they don’t understand the vision.  In that case, you may need to clarify it and get them on board with why what you are asking is important.

Most people want to feel they are doing the right thing and will work more passionately for those who care for them.   Care for your people by empathizing with them and coach them how to become their best and you will have an army helping you accomplish your vision.

Photo taken at Lake Tahoe